I'll destroy myself for you
by Winter's Frost
Summary: Frodo reflects on his thoughts after Bilbo leaves him to sleep the first night he awakens from the Nazgul wound. Slightly AU.


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I'll destroy myself for you

Disclaimer: _All characters and places are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien. I do not claim any ownership over the characters featured in L.O.T.R. nor did I intend to imply that I do. Tolkien enterprises own these characters, not me._

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Author's note: _Turn away now! There's still time! Please give me your totally honest opinion, as otherwise I can not hope to improve my "technique" and improving it greatly needs._

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Summary: Frodo reflects on his thoughts after Bilbo leaves him to sleep the first night he awakens from the Nazgul wound. Slightly AU in the sense that I've swapped a few things around to fit in better with the fanfic. I hope you don't mind. There isn't very much that's different.

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I'll destroy myself for you,

I'll walk away from the holy light.

I'll destroy myself for you

Against the monsters that I must fight

I'll destroy yourself for you

Even if I use all the last of my might

I'll destroy myself for you.

You have always been the one I looked up to, dear, sweet Bilbo. Even before I properly knew you, you were a spectre of mystery, a refreshing ray of sunshine in a dull and dreary life. I remember the first day I met you with stinging tears; those days seem so far away now. 

As I sit in the elves room in Rivendell, my head resting against the knees that I have drawn to my chest, I think of when I knew that I would have to perform this task. The second the ring fell into my possession I knew what had to be done, though I did not recognise it at the time. Even Gandalf's dark words though spoken with the utmost urgency and dripping with fear and dread had failed to truly evoke the sort of fear that was appropriately at that time. "A hobbit walking party" Aragorn had often scolded us on the way from Bree, but to us that was all it was. For the others it was a wild adventure, for me the realisation of a long held dream. 

We truly did not realise the sheer darkness and death that we were unknowingly walking into. We knew there was danger-what quest would be complete without the perils and soul-discovering fear? -But it was a danger that we adopted a premature mastery over. We had no idea then; perhaps it would have been better if that had remained. At least then we had hope, even if it was foolishly misplaced.

The ring had already held some power over me, like a pack of hungry wolves that tear ravenously at a piece of unprotected meat. I can feel its dark power clawing at my heart and for the first time I recognise the damage that has been wrought on my soul. I fear that it is too late for me now. I fear perhaps that it was too late for me a long time ago. I silently scold myself for my failure to realise what others could plainly see. I did nothing to stop the destruction of my being.

How could I have fallen into the same trap as you, Bilbo? I remember the good old days at the Shire, before I knew about that cursed ring. Everything was so painfully happy, at least it seems painful now, and at that time I felt nothing could change that happiness that we shared. 

Then you told me about the ring.

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I'll destroy myself for you

if that is what it takes for a smile to appear

I'll destroy myself for you

I'll throw myself at the mercy of all my fears

I'll destroy myself for you

if that is what it takes to stop those tears

I'll destroy myself for you.

I always thought that it made you different somehow. As you told me the story-the real story-of how you gained the ring, the way you acted immediately aroused my suspicion. You seemed so different to your fun-loving and caring self, so different from the uncle I had come to enjoy greeting more than the sun in the morning. You seemed like a scared little monster as you sat there, rocking yourself back and forth, your hands gripping the ring with a curious intensity and those eyes darting from left to right as if expecting others to leap out of the shadows and seize it from your possession. Your whole manner seemed so different, and I suspected that the ring had something to do with your abnormal behaviour. At the time I had chastised myself for being so foolish: how could one mere trinket affect one so? Indeed I would have written off the incident as a one off had I not seen you with it on those other occasions. 

You often used to play with it in the house, whether it was absent-mindedly fiddling with it in your jacket pocket, or the way you would flip it like a coin in your hand. I always noticed that your eyes never left the golden band, as if afraid that it would somehow run away from you. All else seemed to fade when you held that ring in your hand, though you always seemed to recognise my presence. I was always thankful when you slipped it away. That ring caused a curious discomfort that I could not place within the depths of my heart. I did not trust it, though I could not understand why.

Through the years our relationship blossomed, but somehow the ring seemed to feature more and more predominantly with in it. Then, to my well hidden surprise and horror you started talking about leaving, a course of action that I thought was only a joke and humoured it as much, but you were serious, weren't you? The day you told me that you were leaving was the first day that I truly felt afraid. How could I function without you, Bilbo? Then Gandalf arrived, and I knew for certain that you were walking out of my life and for some reason you had not wanted me to come with you.

It would be wrong to say that the ring destroyed our relationship; it merely drove us apart. I thought it could never damage the unbreakable bond that we share though it certainly distorted it. I worried endlessly over your health, wondering why you were leaving at an age as grand as yours, and the ring seemed more and more to slip onto your finger.

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I'll destroy myself for you

I want to see the sun again

I'll destroy myself for you

By carrying Isildor's bane

I'll destroy myself for you

From this you can only gain

when I destroy myself for you

The long expected party had been a torturous affair, though once again I had hidden my discomfort. You had told me your little surprise that you had planned for the other hobbits of the Shire-the event still brings a smile to my face this very day-but my heart was still uneasy when you mentioned that the ring, once again, was going to be involved.

"It'll be fun!" you had exclaimed that fateful morning while we shovelled the large amounts of food into the pantries. "The ring will give them a surprise that they'll never expect!"

How true your words were Bilbo, but how was I to know that I would be the one to receive the surprise.

I had silently watched you during your speech that night, and as that thing slipped over your finger I had to content myself with watching you fade away from my life.

If the pain at your leaving was unbearable, then Gandalf's news had been sheer agony. His quickened speech after the party had not been enough to detain my worries, and I waited with a sense of impatience as the years slowly drew by. All I knew was that something was amiss, and that golden band had something to do with it.

I remember those long years when I waited for Gandalf, and the news I had awaited for had filled me with dread. That ring could destroy people, and you-you!-had held it for over 50 years. "I stopped worrying about Bilbo when he gave up the ring," Gandalf had said, and I had believed him because to me there was nothing that you couldn't do. You were as immortal as the elves to me, and nothing could have touched you. I deliberately ignored the savage look that came unbidden into your eyes whenever I came too close to it, or the time I picked it up for you after you dropped it in Bag End. I remember your voice, as normal as ever, but your eyes held a madness that frightened me to the core. I had hidden from you for a matter of hours and we never spoke of the incident again.

I did not know it at the time, but our destinies were further entwined on this darkened road. I had never expected to see you again though I should have guessed that Rivendell would have been your immediate port of call. I had always imagined the re-union we would share where smiles were endless and laughter the language of the event. I could not have been more wrong about that. 

Meeting you again has set me on a road that I never dreamt I would walk.

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I'll destroy myself for you.

To fill your time with happy years.

I'll destroy myself for you

Whilst listening to those haunted jeers

I'll destroy myself for you.

The time of testing is coming near

and then I'll destroy myself for you.

It had been in the hall of fire where the truth was finally revealed to me. I remember it with a painful clarity as I sit here in the elves room, the moonlight filtering through the stained glass window. I can feel those crooked fingers twitching madly at your sides as you brought up the subject of the ring. I had known deep down that it was a bad idea to show it to you again, but I had shoved it aside. After all, Gandalf had said that you were safe from its influence now. It was then, there in the place of the strongest and fairest elves, in the very bosom of goodness, where my one hero transformed into a monster.

Those groping fingers, those haunted and maddened eyes... I did not recognise you and the urge to strike you was uncontrollable. It was only when you regained control of yourself that I truly realised what had happened. I, the once small child that followed your every move and hung on every word you said, was going to strike you. 

I was going to swipe the very sun from the sky. 

That transformation, the realisation, had been a brutal hit that the Nazgul would have deeply envied. That was the day that everything came into focus, the day that had set a decision that had been long in the making. Gandalf had suggested that I may not be the one to take the ring all the way, but I knew deep in my heart that I would be, and to see the effect it has had on you was the sealing point.

I stare outside of the window, deliberately ignoring the mellifluous voices of the elves that walk past my door, and look at the beauty of the world around me. Somehow the healing magic is having no effect on me now, and that, the way that hope abandons me now, at the time of my greatest peril, is enough to send my thoughts into a frenzy of treacherous doubts. Only one thing is clear to me now, and that I will declare tomorrow at the council.

I will take the ring to its end.

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I'll destroy myself for you

If it means an end to your unrest

I'll destroy myself for you

I give to you my very breath

I'll destroy myself for you

This is my task, I must confess

to destroy myself for you.

I can't bring myself to reveal to you the evil that is imbedded deeply, but not irrevocably, in your heart. I wonder if you truly realise the power that thing holds over you; the way it is destroying you from the inside. The evil has subdued your will. I should know, for the same seed has been planted inside of me.

There is a way to save you from this threat, to reawaken the strength of your spirit that burned so brightly in the past. I am the only one who can save you. I could not entrust this task to anyone else; you are too dear to me for that. I am the only one who can pull you from the depths, though it means that I must take your place in the darkness.

I can't recognise you now, though you walk around in my uncle's body. Is that why there were tears in your eyes after the incident? Do you finally realise the death of your spirit, or is it my soul that you weep for?

I now know the path that I must walk though I don't know where it will take me or the result of its end. All I know is that I must save you, and if that means walking through Mordor then that is what I must do for life would truly be hell if you were not around to enjoy it with me.

Prior to your transformation I had always believed that there was hope to be had. The foundations of Middle-Earth were crumbling and shuddering, but I felt none of it when reminded of the simple memory of you. Now even that has been taken from me, replaced by the sickening image of the monster that you are set to become, and suddenly I feel as vulnerable as a newly born child trapped in a dragon's lair. 

I lost everything that night.

Even if I achieve my task-a feat which seems consistently more impossible-there is no guarantee that I will get back the one treasure that I truly value. There is a chance though, and even that smallest chance is all I need to set me on my way. I may have no hope, but I still have my dreams; dreams of returning to the uncle that I once loved and adored; dreams of seeing a smile light up on the now crinkled face; dreams of being happy with you the way we once were.

In hopelessness I found my dreams and I know, I feel, they will push me beyond my physical and mental limitations. They will destroy me, but as long as you remain I go perhaps too willingly to my grave. 

I will save you, Bilbo; I owe you that and so much more. I only wish that I could see the result of my efforts. I do not expect to return. Tomorrow, when I declare my intention to take the ring, I declare a time limit upon my life. I am doing it for you, Bilbo. I want to know that you can smile again, I want to remove the tears standing in your eyes though I doubt I will ever see it. This is the only way to accomplish that. 

I pick myself up from the bed gently, my shoulder still hurting from the wound I sustained. I know what I must do. For you, Bilbo, I lay down my life, and tomorrow it will be set in stone.

I can not save myself, but I can save you and that is all that matters to me. Tomorrow I will announce that I will destroy myself for you. 

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I'll destroy myself for you

Though to do it agonises my very heart

I'll destroy myself for you

It pains me that I must now depart

I'll destroy myself for you

Think of it as a new start

when I've destroyed myself for you.


End file.
